i don’t even know what to write anymore. i hate all these damn worries, regrets, and this pile of guilt inside my heart consuming me from the inside out. that’s it. i’m done with all this crap and i’m going back to God. when the hell am i gonna stop sitting around waiting for something to big to…
SOOO… everything’s been crashing down on me lately.(yea, obviously from the title). My anger is at new heights. I lash out. I say things to hurt. I say things i wish i didn’t say. I say things that were never meant to be said. I have thoughts of anger and im not gonna lie but violence. Im just angry, dont judge. I’m a human.
My anger is coming from different roots and pathways i guess. It’s also mixed with frustration. Well, relationships aren’t the “same” and everything i say is like nothing basically. My words don’t get through to this person sometimes and although i love her to death im slowly trying to always cool down stop pointing out flaws. I tell her to leave or stop talking to me because she says she’s tired of fighting or what not and i simply let her stop or i push her away. Obviously i don’t want to but my anger just takes me there. The stuff i need to hear need to be said in order for me to help but i dont get it so .. i cant help i guess. Sometimes i just don’t want to talk but I do because that’s like..routine? Idk what’s going to happen now, just gotta pray pray & pray. and sometimes i lash like i said before. Im just pissed.
Frustration ( iwish there was an underline button)
Well, this mainly stems from my relationship with God and what i suffer with. Well, the biggest problem is the lack of faith and purity. I’ve been praying for these things but it seems like I get poulled back by Satan and my own mind. I let myself into thinking these things that doubt my prayer or God’s grace, mercy, love, and power. It’s been so long and im juist like ” ARGH OD COME DOWN AND PURIFY ME” YAKNOW? SOUNDS WEIRD BUT TRUE.
Thank God i have friends who are willing to help me with my walk with Christ but their words can only get me so far. Idk how God will work inside me and through me but I know He will. So while I’m lacking these things, im strong in hope for the better. I want the passion and faith I had before. I want to go back but like i told my friend„ maybe that was interrupted by these struggles to have a more awesome and amazing relationship than before. Well, I would appreciate it if anyone who read this long post about my spiritual walk with Christ as well as rant would pray for me. I know it ay seem like I’m not in the right mindset or like…unstable but that’s because I’m just like bottled up with a lot of frustration/anger/pain/etc. I hope people would pray for me, I really hope they do because right now, I desperately need it. This is calling for a change in my life but I need to find where and how. Well, there’s more I want to say but i can’t wrap it into words for this post right now. If anyone would like to know, ask me. I would love to tell you where I’m coming form. No sarcasm intended. Thank God for Tumblr being able to post things like this,. I feel better.